Movie Review: Slender Man

  Hello all! Welcome to my review of Slender Man! 😀

Lol, well… this happened… and I am SO confused.

  Starring: Joey King (Wren), Julia Goldani Telles (Hallie), Jaz Sinclair (Chloe), Annalise Basso (Katie)

Plot (taken from IMDb):

“In a small town in Massachusetts, a group of friends, fascinated by the internet lore of the Slender Man, attempt to prove that he doesn’t actually exist – until one of them mysteriously goes missing.”

Trailer:

Characters (truly, I had to wrack my brain for even these brief descriptions):

Joey King (Wren) – Er, the friend who might be the “wild” one of the group? Maybe?

Julia Goldani Telles (Hallie) – The friend who might be the “good girl” of the group? Possibly?

Jaz Sinclair (Chloe) – The friend who is just kind of there and gets scared a lot? Always first to panic?

Annalise Basso (Katie) – Um, the friend with red hair? She’s the first to assist with shit going sideways?

Review Low Level Rant:

Okay, so…. a little background on why I went to see this one even though I suspected it wouldn’t be the most fantastic movie ever.

M, one of my best friends, was really into the Slender Man lore. She passed away in 2013, and it was actually one of the last conversations we had. She loved the horror genre, and especially liked Creepypasta, where a lot of Slender Man stories were written.

So I was actually kind of excited when I first saw a trailer for this movie. It looked interesting. It seemed as if they took all the lore and ran with it. I thought I would be scared, and be haunted by Slender Man for days. I expected to have to watch most of the movie through the gaps between my fingers, hands covering my face, curled up in the fetal position in my seat in the back of the theater, trying to both hide and still catch a peek at the monster. I mentally prepared myself for this.

I was deceived.

Now, to be fair, we all know I am extremely harsh on the horror genre. I’m SUPER nit-picky about it, lol. Maybe I’m such a die hard romance fan that it skews my perspective on the opposite genre?

Regardless, I am confused by this entire movie. Neither trailer I found is accurate (I included the better of the two above, but it was still slightly misleading), and even the description I pulled up on IMDb wasn’t entirely right.

Honestly, the description should read something along the lines of: “Four bored teens decide to randomly summon Slender Man because the guys they like are doing it too, then shit goes sideways without further explanation, they all act like they’re on LSD, and NOBODY around them even notices.”

Keep in mind, this complaint is coming from a woman who will joyously suspend her disbelief EVERY time there’s a Marvel movie in order to watch magical/mutant/alien superheroes fly around, destroying buildings, dressed in different colored spandex suits: This movie makes no sense!

How many times did they re-write this script? Half of the stuff in the first trailer didn’t end up in the movie.

 ^^^^ Take her for example. She’s in the first trailer. Never explained. You just see a photo of her in the movie and see that she’s missing. Her connection to Slender Man is really only hinted at and acknowledged as a side note for half a second and then they move on without giving any details.

Although I don’t know what their original intention was with these scenes that never made it in, I feel like they could have given some more plot possibly?

The world will never know.

Knowing what I do about some of the Slender Man lore though (like where he occasionally brainwashes kids to be like creepy little homicidal helpers for him), there was potential here for some really scary stuff.

But noooooooooo.

There were a few creepy moments, but this movie wasn’t actually that scary.

From what I remember, Slender Man doesn’t really rely on lots of violence or anything. It’s usually 99% all in his victim’s head, so there was a lot of room for great psychological horror here, but they barely scratched the surface.

And not that I’m greatly attached to gore-filled scenes and organs/appendages being thrown about like really gross, squishy confetti, but I actually think they purposely removed all blood from the film. About halfway through I realized this is one of only a handful of horror movies where no one even gets a nose bleed. Even when the girls are hallucinating, there is zero blood anywhere.

There was a tiny bit in the first trailer, in those scenes that were never used. But that’s it. It’s almost like they started in with one idea, but then decided to try and make it more kid friendly and PG for some reason. Not sure why.

And I don’t know if you noticed in the Character section above, but I had a hell of a time describing the four main characters. They weren’t really well fleshed out at all. I didn’t get much of a view of their personalities, and they seemed to all be the same.

And, like everything else, their motivations didn’t make sense and were never really fully explored. I couldn’t really connect with any of them, or grow to care about them over the course of the movie. I mean, I didn’t want them to die or anything, but I just wasn’t drawn in by them.

Unfortunately, when all was said and done, I was left with the impression of a sadly unfinished movie. I wish they’d gotten more in depth with everything – lore, characters, psychological horror, all of it – even if it meant delaying the movie a bit or making it a tad longer.

My rating for Slender Man: Meh… I wanted so badly to like this movie, lol. I really, really did. But I just couldn’t get into it. Check this one out if you like Creepypasta and Slender Man stories. Rent it before you buy it though. I know M would have spent most of the movie either laughing her butt off or possibly even sleeping, lol. Probably both. If you’re into psychological horror, I would suggest 1408 over this one.

For wasted potential alone, this movie gets a warning cupcake. It was almost Emergency Cake level disappointing.

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My Rating System:

Epic: This movie is so mind-bogglingly awesome that I may go see it twice. This one will have a place of honor on my shelf.

Cash-Worthy: Good stuff. This will most likely find a place on my shelf.

Not Bad: I liked it. I’m glad I saw it, and it may or may not end up on my shelf at some point. I would say rent it first to be safe.

Meh: Rent it first. You may love it or hate it, but I’m indifferent probably because it’s not my type of movie. I’m glad I saw it, but it won’t end up on my shelf.

Emergency Cake: I have an emotional reaction to movies sometimes, especially to tragedies. If a movie makes me sad or angry, sometimes it will stick with me for a while. At these times, only chocolate cake can save me. Chocolate cake makes everything better. No shelf for you. Ever.

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